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Sometimes I don't know how to do it. How to actually get out of bed and start the day. I've always got a million things to do but I just can't work out which to do. I experience this kind of meaninglessness sometimes like 'I really better tidy the table and go and get that DVD...but hang on, there are ppl starving and dying and I want to do more.' So I pray about which charities I need to take on and choose three I am so so stoked with:
*Prescha - This organisation aims to eliminate the modern-day slavery called Human Trafficking. It's sick and it's heart-breaking. Please buy an Annie Blackberry Freedom necklace - almost all proceeds (not just profit) go directly to this organisation. http://www.prescha.org/
*Little Tim - This precious lil guy is quadraplegic and has cerebral palsy - his family desperately needs funds to send him to the US for therapy that could really help him. He loves giggling, Rolf Harris music (he gets angry if someone changes the music! :) ) and rolling over but can't do much else. If you buy the designated Little Tim necklace off Trade Me - or email me for one - all the profit will go to Little Tim.
*Dips'N Trust - Funny name but what an organisation. This trust seeks out the lowest of the low, the most deformed, the most smelly and the most lowly of people. People very often near death and who often don't have the dignity of soap or towels and this is where Dips'N comes in - it gives those little loving things and the volunteers own love to show the most unloved how precious they are. Annie Blackberry wants to commit to $80 a month for Dips'N and will take donations on behalf or buy a piece of jewellery to give to this cause.
We have also been committed to Amnesty International and love this cause as it gives the unfairly imprisoned a voice. Because we can't support all these charities we will be switching from AI to Dips'N but the most important thing you can do for Amnesty International is pick up a pen and write to the governments who have the power to release these people. It does and has worked! http://www.amnestyinternational.org/
But even this doesn't seem enough. I know I'm not solely responsible for the world but we have so so much to give but it's only a drop in the bucket. We just got a large flat screen TV because we could hardly see our Warehouse Cobalt 16" ha ha :) And I love it. But then I realised that in the big scheme of things a big TV is so UNIMPORTANT. I know it's ok to enjoy this beautiful nation and have some nice things but I could have literally saved 1000 people's eyesight with that money (Vit A cream) but instead I use it so my eyes can see a clearer picture.
Sometimes I wonder if some of this is the depression? That the depression causes that nothingness - that meaninglessness - and it's not that I don't want to tidy my house or think it's unimportant but that I actually don't want to DO anything. But I also don't want to do nothing.
I feel like the years are slipping through my fingers. I can still barely cope with the miscarriage and my dog being killed 9 months ago and cry about it so much and so I wonder how I am going to cope with the inevitable pains and deaths of loved ones that may one day happen. I can barely cope with this and also with being in bed for 60% of my life. It's not just depression but also a range of physical and physiological conditions that impinge on each other.
The things that have helped me this week were my husband reading to me till I fell asleep, Phoebe and Elyse making me gifts, cooking me a roast and sharing the astounding unconditional love of true friends and Timmy, my little nugget,my pup-pups whom I love with every fibre of my being. And Joy...You're just always there. And Mum and Dad counselled me and came and did some housework - it's so appreciated.
But I do not lose hope. Andrew read to me a bit of his book by Barth: 'We are not allowed to not hope'. Usually I'd tell Barth to go jump (I don't like being told what to do ;) ) but I'm happy to not be allowed - it would be a tragedy.
I care about you all, what you go thru, how life has affected you, who you are and what you hope and what you fear. I pray you would find the healing I continue to find along this painful yet hopeful journey,
God's peace and unconditional love be with you,
Annie Blackberry xxx